Is it wrong to have sex before marriage if you are sure that you will marry?

Sex outside marriage is always wrong. God gave sex as a gift to enjoy. But with the gift He gave certain definite instructions on how the gift should be used. It is intended to be practised by a man and his own wife only.

In Genesis 2:24 we read: “a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife and they become one.” Please note: he is united with his wife and after that, they become one. When they have their first sexual intercourse after marriage, they become one. That is the order God instituted.

To use this gift with anyone else is sin. It is adultery: Exodus 20:14; 1 Corinthians 5:1, 9; 1 Corinthians 7:2; Proverbs 5:2-4; 6:32.

Now people say: But we love one another and we are getting married anyway. What is wrong with that?

We know that the sex drive is very strong. Because of this, young couples who are engaged, often find themselves in sexual difficulties in their love-relationship. They know that it is intended to find full expression within marriage, but still they want the pastoral advisors to give them the green light to have sex before they are married. They want us to make an exception of their case. Of course we are sympathetic BUT we cannot tell people to commit sin even if people base their argument on the fact that they love each other.

But let us briefly examine this argument: Christians who love God will always respect His law. Love comes from God and now they want to desecrate it by committing a sin.

God gave the girl a very, very valuable gift which she must safeguard for her future husband (her virginity). If the man in her life is a Christian, he will not expect her to give herself to him entirely before he lawfully marries her. If he really loves her, he will respect her too much to have sex with her. It sounds like a very high moral standard, I know, but it is true.

On the other hand, there is an element of uncertainty in such an experiment:

1. We don’t have our lives in our hands. If the young man dies before the wedding the girl is the one who is spoiled and must face life as a degraded “virgin”.

2. She may become pregnant – and he may turn his back on her.

3. Statistics show that many a girl has lost her boyfriend after having had sex with him, because his interest in her changed (see what happened to Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:12-15). The girl who wants to “buy” the love of her boyfriend by giving in to his demands – even if he promised marriage – plays with fire. (Of course Tamar was raped, but the after-effects on Amnon is fairly general).

4. Some marriages are unhappy and often lead to divorce because the couple had sex before marriage. They start their marriage which could be an exciting experience, with a feeling of guilt which leads to stress and strife.

So please be obedient to God, who knows people better than they know themselves and who has a very good reason to say: “I give you a very beautiful gift of sex, but please use it only when you are married!” It is not a physical unity only, but a very complex psychological experience which has its roots in the whole personality of the man and woman. The girl, especially, must remember that sex for her is not the same as what it means for her boyfriend. It is possible for him to degrade it to a mere fleshly connection only. For his girl it is a part of her whole emotional set-up.

Please wait until you are married. God will reward you. He always knows best.

If you have trespassed this law of God, remember that if you truly repent and want to live as a real Christian you can go to the Lord and ask His forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 is a promise to everyone who repents and wants to live a new life. The Lord will forgive and cleanse you. But then He will say to you what he said to the woman in John 8:11: “Go, and sin no more.”